I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
