So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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