Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
