guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
