first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
