i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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