I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
