Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
