dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
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He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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