she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
