dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
