genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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My boob is missing a layer of skin
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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