Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
