Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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