I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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