She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
