His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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