Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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