i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
