i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
