I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
