Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
