dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
