just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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