it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
