I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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