apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
