I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
