none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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