i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
