I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The air was thick with penises
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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