I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
