told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
