even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
