Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
