Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
