i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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