my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
