you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
