apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
