o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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