I'm jealous of your bromance
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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