Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
