we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
