i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He felt like a one man threesome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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