Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
