i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
