I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
