I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
