The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if i died would you start the facebook group?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
