dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
