I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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