Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
