Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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